Tory Spokesman: Umm.. right. Well, welcome everyone. Please take your complimentary cup of bovril .. we’ll need all the strength we can muster for the long fight ahead of us.

(Crowd settles)

Well, thank you – thank you. As you all know this is the big one – the year we’ll oust this incumbent government out of office and we’ll have another shot at the big time!

Crowd: Huzzar!!

Tory Spokesman: Well – looking back on the political landscape of the past year, we were all obviously totally enthralled by the US elections. A time of enormous triumph.

Well now it’s our turn, and we need to let the people of Britain realise that David is the Obama of Britain .. are you with us?!

Crowd: Huzzar!! x2

Tory Spokesman: Now that really is the spirit, tally-ho, by-gosh, wot-wot-wot!?!!.

Um, so .. First on the agenda is, how to let the public know that we’re the good guys. We need to be clever here. We will use the word ‘change’ in our campaign – as much as is humanly possible!!

(Crowd goes wild)

Tory Spokesman: And, as we – the party of change – are all aware, there are other things that Obama has done, which we too will do. Obama likes healthcare – and so do we. We will be the party who make healthcare free to every single citizen living in the UK!!

(Crowd goes wild x10)

Tory Spokesman: At the moment, we think this is possibly all that’s required to gain office; but rest assured, David has told us that he will do absolutely anything to get into office.

Specifically, he’s decided to combine the spirit of morris-dancing Britain with Obama-mania. Which leads me to proudly announce our latest series of campaign posters; my lords, ladies and gentlemen… introducing David ‘a-la-Morris’ Cameron.

[[insert photograph of Cameron blacked up in a morris dancer's costume]]